When siblings disagree about caring for Mum or Dad
Disagreement between siblings is rarely just about tasks. It's about different views of how bad things really are, about old roles from childhood, and about nobody seeing what the others do. Here's what usually calms it.
You're not seeing the same thing
The one who drops in every day sees a parent who is gradually managing less. The one who visits twice a year sees a parent who pulls themselves together, makes coffee and says everything is fine. Both are right about what they've seen. The disagreement often starts here, not in ill will, and it isn't solved by arguing about who is exaggerating.
Write down incidents instead of impressions
Instead of saying things are getting worse, note dates and incidents: the cooker was left on on Tuesday, the prescription hadn't been collected on Friday, she rang three times about the same thing at the weekend. Specific incidents are hard to dismiss, and they turn the conversation into something you can look into together. They're also what the council needs to assess an application.
Old roles come back
Many families fall back into patterns from childhood when a parent becomes ill. The eldest takes charge, the youngest is treated as the youngest, and whoever clashed with Mum before still does. It helps to say this out loud once. You are adults solving a practical problem, and roles from forty years ago are no way to share out the work.
Make the effort visible
Much of what gets done is invisible: calls during working hours, applications, appointments that need moving, worry that takes up room. When it isn't written down, the others only see the visits. A shared overview where regular tasks are listed with names, and the duty week is noted, means nobody has to tell anyone how much they do. It's there to see.
Keep separate issues separate
Disagreeing about a care home, disagreeing about money and disagreeing about who does the shopping are three different conversations. Mix them up and everything turns into one old family row. Settle the practical split first, because that can be solved this week. The big questions can wait until you have a bit of order.
Bring in someone from outside when you're stuck
In Norway the municipality usually has a carer contact or a carer centre, and many places run courses and discussion groups for relatives. Your parent's GP may also be able to arrange a conversation about their situation. Outside Norway, the local council, the GP or a carers' organisation can tell you what exists. A neutral third party often moves a conversation that has been stuck for months, without anyone losing face.
Questions and answers
What do we do when my siblings think Mum is managing fine?
Note specific incidents with dates for a few weeks and share them. Impressions can be argued about; incidents can be looked into. It's also worth asking them to spend a weekend alone with her — that tends to change the picture faster than any conversation.
One sibling decides everything without asking. What do I do?
Ask for decisions that affect everyone to be written down in one place before they're made. It isn't about taking control from anyone, but about making it possible to speak up in time.
Can we require our siblings to contribute?
In Norway, no — adult children have no legal duty to care for their parents. The rules differ from country to country, so check what applies where your parent lives. Either way, what you can do is show what's being left undone, and ask the council or care services for more help when the family can't stretch any further.
How do we keep the arguing from affecting Mum?
Keep the disagreement between yourselves and away from the visits. Agree on who talks to her about what, so she doesn't get four different messages about the same thing.
Where can we get help talking to each other?
In Norway: the municipality's carer contact, the local carer centre or the GP, and many municipalities run courses for families of older people. Elsewhere, the local council, your parent's GP or a carers' organisation is a good place to ask.
Get it down on paper
Appointments, regular tasks, the duty week and the phone numbers in one text you can paste into the family chat. Free, no account.
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