Where to start when a parent needs help
Most families start in the same place: something has changed, nobody knows who to ring, and one person has already begun doing everything. Here is an order that tends to work, and that needs no big family meeting to get going.
Start by writing down what is already being done
Before you discuss who should do more, make the list of what actually gets done: the shopping, the laundry, the calls during working hours, the bills, the visits, the noticing that something has changed. The list surprises almost everyone, including whoever has done the most. It moves the conversation from feelings to sharing out the work.
Ring the service that assesses need
In Norway the municipality where your parent lives must provide the health and care services they need — home care, equipment, a personal alarm, a day centre, a short-term stay — and you apply to its service office, on your parent’s behalf with authority. In England it starts with a care needs assessment from the local council; elsewhere, ask who assesses need where your parent lives. Describe specific incidents with dates, not just that things have got harder.
Ask for the decision and read it
What is granted is set out in writing: what will be done, how often, in what form. Ask for a copy. Many families only discover then that something they thought had been promised is not there, or that help was granted which they have never used. The deadline to challenge it is in the same letter, and in Norway the county’s patient and user ombudsman helps with an appeal free of charge.
Share out the weeks, not just the tasks
Regular tasks can be split by name. The unexpected cannot, which is why it lands on whoever lives closest. A duty week that rotates solves exactly that: whoever has the week takes the calls and whatever comes up, and the others can breathe. If there are three of you, each has one week in three, and everyone knows in advance when it is their turn.
Record the calls from day one
From the first phone call: note the date, who you spoke to, what was agreed and the reference number. It feels excessive in week one and invaluable in month three, when someone asks what the service actually said and nobody remembers. It is also what lets a sibling take over a case without ringing you first.
Ask your parent what they want help with
As long as your mother or father can decide for themselves, it is their life and their choice — including choices you disagree with. Ask what they would like help with, and what they would rather be left to do themselves. A plan made over the head of the person it is about rarely stays in use for long, and it usually makes the siblings’ cooperation harder than it needed to be.
Questions and answers
Who do we ring first?
Whoever assesses need where your parent lives — in Norway the municipality’s service office, in England the local council. They decide on home care, a personal alarm, a day centre and short-term stays. Your parent’s GP is a good second place to start.
Does our parent have to apply themselves?
They can apply themselves, or you can apply on their behalf with written authority. Say clearly if the situation is urgent — urgent cases are usually dealt with faster.
What do we put in the application?
Specific incidents with dates: the cooker left on, the prescription not collected, the three calls about the same thing at the weekend. Incidents are hard to dismiss, and they are what an assessment needs.
We disagree about how bad things are. What do we do?
Note incidents with dates for a few weeks and share them. Whoever drops in daily and whoever visits twice a year see two different parents, and both are right about what they have seen. Incidents can be looked into; impressions can only be argued about.
How do we stop everything landing on one person?
Introduce a duty week that rotates, and write down both the tasks and the calls with services. Then the unexpected is shared out in advance, and the paperwork can be taken by whoever lives far away.
Make the overview for your family
Appointments, regular tasks, the duty week and the phone numbers in one text you can paste into the family chat. Free, no account.
Make your overviewOther things we've made
Also for families keeping the everyday coordinated between them.
Also for families keeping the everyday coordinated between them.
Also for families keeping the everyday coordinated between them.
Also in Norwegian, made by the same people.